Making a Tough Decision

Recently I made an extremely hard and terrifying decision: I decided to quit my job. I’ve mentioned before about my struggles at work, finding and keeping a job. Well, now that I’m pregnant, things only became more difficult. For those of you who need a little refresher, let me take a minute to explain exactly what was going on before I made this decision.

I lost my job (one that I now wish I could have back) in January 2017 because the store closed. I went 7 months without a job. It of course put me into a deeper depression because I felt like I wasn’t pulling my weight in my relationship, and it just seemed like no matter what job I applied for I simply wasn’t good enough to actually get it. I finally landed a job at one of the casinos near where I live. At first I was happy, thankful to finally have a job. Although I was on my feet for 8 hours, it was a small price to pay after not having a job for a long time. The first few weeks were rough just as it would be at any job: getting used to the culture of the environment and the people. After a while, things got a little better. However, shortly after things started to look up, they took an interesting turn for the worse. I used to cry everyday before going to work, and sometimes while at work while on break. I couldn’t explain it because I knew that I should have been happy about having this job, but there was some part of me that wasn’t. My boyfriend saw how miserable I was and helped me get another job where he worked. I got the job and couldn’t have been happier. The best part about the job was that I got to sit down the entire time. The schedule at first was cool: I worked the weekend only at night, meaning I had the entire week to do whatever I wanted to do. I didn’t have a social life so working on the weekends didn’t bother me. The job was great at first, I met cool people and was actually enjoying myself. However, things took an interesting turn for the worse again. I got pregnant in March, and some time around May is when I started to notice major changes. I didn’t enjoy going to work anymore, I was either annoyed or frustrated by something that happened at work, and as the weeks went on things got worse. I went on my family vacation at the end of June. When we came home, something in me changed. Just  like before, I  started crying and having panic attacks before work, during work, and any day just thinking about going back to work. I took a month off from work to get my head together and see if I couldn’t figure something out. Therapy was really no help because my therapist just kept telling me to quit. I had many others tell me that I needed to just stick it out, at least until the baby came. Then I had others who kept suggesting other places (that were a great distance from me) for me to considering working at. It seemed like no one was really taking the time to listen to me or consider anything that I was saying. My boyfriend, bless his heart, would try his best to console me and help me look for other jobs and solutions, but would always say that he supported me and wanted what was best for me. I know he got tired of me bringing up the situation to him, but I really was lost, scared and confused and wanted to make sure that whatever decision I was going to make was going to be the right one.

Once my month off was over, I went back to work hoping that things would have changed. They didn’t. The environment at work, my feelings about it…all the same. I worked one week before making up my mind. I had and still don’t have a plan as to what I’m going to do about money, but the stress at work was too much for me to handle, especially being 6 months pregnant. It was hard for me to make that decision because I knew the issue of money would be in the back of my mind forever. I also felt guilty about putting all of the financial responsibility on my boyfriend. People would tell me that I shouldn’t and that he should just step up and do what he has to in order to take care of his family, but that’s just not how I think. He has been totally supportive of me and every decision I have made about my health. I was worried that me making this decision would cause him to resent me, not want to be with me anymore, etc. He assured me that this was not the case, but the thought still lingers in the back of my mind. Honestly, I think these are my own thoughts and feelings that I’m projecting onto him because if I were him I would resent me or at least be disappointed in me. I disappointed in myself. I sometimes feel like less of a woman and a failure as a mom and I haven’t even had my son yet. I’m still looking for work at home jobs or job that I might actually enjoy, but I’ve gone so deep back down into a depression I can think of nothing at the moment that I really enjoy.

I made this big decision leaning on my faith to get me through the hard times that are about to come up. Do I have any plans or ideas about the future? No not really. I’m hoping to find some inspiration during this time before baby boy gets here. Right now, all I can think about is the present and the farthest I can plan for right now is up until his birth. I’m going to have to take things one day at a time.

 

 

**I’m trying to decide whether or not to start a YouTube channel and link it to this blog. Some things are easier to talk about than others. Sometimes just talking is easier and a lot more helpful than sitting and trying to find the right words to say. Be on the lookout for that…maybe. When and if it happens there will definitely be an announcement about it. Until next time…<3

 

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