A Journey Back from the Edge

I know that I promised that I had more blogs coming a while ago, but this pregnancy brain and exhaustion is real. However, this morning I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep because I kept running these scenarios of myself on different talk shows sharing the story I’m about to share with you now. Therefore, I had to go ahead and get up so I could write it down (and maybe go back to sleep lol). There are other things that I apparently need to get off of my mind and heart, so hopefully I will get the chance to get them out before my life gets too crazy with the new baby. Hope you enjoy this (and upcoming) stories.

 

Before I got pregnant, I was in a dark place mentally and was standing at the edge of a cliff with one foot hanging off and my eyes close ready to jump. There was just so much going wrong and I couldn’t see any way for things to get better (or worse). I had even take; n one last trip to my hometown to visit my family at the last minute (DISCLAIMER: there was no plan in place for me to end my life, I just knew that I was about to withdraw from everyone and everything and was about to push everyone away; therefore I wanted to enjoy this last bit of happy time with the people I loved and that loved me). When I got back home from the trip, I was two seconds away from flipping that “screw it all” switch, but then something I still can’t wrap my head around happened…I found out I was pregnant. The day I found out I was pregnant, I put that one foot that was hanging over the cliff back on the ground and opened my eyes. I wasn’t sure how I was feeling, but I wanted time to process it. As I was trying to process things, the winds (negative thoughts and emotions) started to blow. They got close to pushing me off that cliff, but I still wanted time to figure out this pregnancy thing. So I stood my ground. The winds started to pick up and become more aggressive, but every time I heard my baby’s heart beat, saw his little face (the day I found out he was going to be a boy) and felt all of those uncomfortable yet heart warming kicks, I took more and more steps backwards away from that cliff. After a while, it seemed like the winds had stopped and I was in the clear to enjoy this new experience and develop some positive thoughts and emotions about it. However, one day out of nowhere, those winds hit harder than I ever knew they could. I knew that I had to take shelter behind something because I wasn’t strong enough to battle those winds by myself anymore. There stood this tall, strong and sturdy tree. I hid behind it as the winds continued to blow. The tree did its job in protecting me. The tree was not invincible as the winds got to it too, making it sway from side to side and causing it to lose its leaves and branches in the process. No matter how much damage that tree took, I wasn’t giving up. I stayed behind that tree until it was almost stripped completely bare.
Then one day, this huge boulder with a little cave appeared out of nowhere. I crawled into it and used the leaves the tree sacrificed to make a warm bedding for myself. (Stick with me…I promise this will all make sense in a minute). That boulder didn’t budge and I couldn’t hear nor feel the winds anymore. The combination of the boulder and the leaves was all I needed. I’m the very end of my pregnancy and that tree despite being worn out is still doing its part to protect me, along with the boulder, and I’m finally starting to get to a point where I can say that I’m genuinely okay.

Ok, now I know I may have confused many of you with this story. Obviously the tree and the boulder both represent something. The tree represents my husband (yes I forgot to tell you all, I got married!). I’m not the type of person who likes to lean on others for support, not even my husband. However, it got to a point where I had no other choice. We were already in this journey together anyway as a newly married couple and soon to be parents, but because these problems somewhat existed before that, I didn’t want to include him in them and risk him getting hurt in any way. He knew I needed him. He begged me to let him help, but I wouldn’t. Eventually I had to. I felt bad about it for a long time (and some days I still do) because I saw how it was affecting him, but never once did he complain about it or make me feel bad about leaning on him. I knew though that we both needed something more if we were going to get through this together. That’s when that big boulder caught my attention. It was always there, but because I had wondered so far away from where it was and all my of sense were being manipulated in some way I paid no attention to it. The boulder represents God. He’s always there for us whenever and however we need him to be, but we have to have our minds, hearts and eyes open. God gave me the coverage I needed against all that negativity, and my husband was what kept me warm and comfortable. It is true that God will send you exactly what you need when you need it. When he sent my now husband my way, my life was headed in a different direction…in a not-so-good direction. My husband showered me with unconditional love and support, encouraged me to get the help I needed, encouraged me to follow my dreams and passions (no matter how crazy or far fetched they were), and stayed by me despite my many mistakes and “episodes”. He did all this before becoming my husband, which I couldn’t understand but I didn’t care because I was so thankful. Words can’t express how happy I am to be his wife, and to be bringing a new life into this world with him.

Now with all that being said…I’ve never completely strayed away from God. He was always there in the back of my mind and in my heart. I will say that I got lost and confused several times. My mental health only made things worse as confusion came with the territory. Every time I get close to being too far away, God reaches down and pulls me back. I’ll notice it because I’ll either get the sudden urge to go to church (I live about an hour away, so that was always my excuse not to go), or I’ll get the desire to listen to gospel music. God is always blessing me but I can never see or enjoy them because I’ve been fooled by the devil too many times and it has caused me to not trust anything good that happens to or for me because something bad will always follow. I’ve missed many blessings because of this, but God just keeps on. I guess he figured one day I’m going to get it right and trust him, which I’m learning to do. My husband and my son (and of course the life and health of my family and friends) are my biggest blessings right now that I thank him for everyday.

This post may seem all over the place, and I apologize for that. This is how my thoughts came to me and I didn’t want to edit them too much in fear of not getting out everything that I needed to.

Now that I am 37 weeks pregnant, I’m just counting down the days until I get to see my son’s face. I have some things that are bugging my in the back of my mind and are causing me a little panic (nothing like those negative thoughts before), but my focus right now is my son and my husband  (and some things that I need to take care of asap).

Also, I want to say thank you to those family members who were there for me during those times mentioned above. Your love, whether it was some kind words or a kind gesture, did not go unnoticed or unappreciated. This post was just to highlight the bond my husband and I are building and my relationship with God.

I ask that everyone reading this please keep me in your hearts and thoughts as I continue on my journey of life, and I will do the same for all of you.

Until next time…Caitlyn xo