I’ve been riding this mania wave for almost 2 months. It feels good to have energy and….feel good. I’m getting things done and my mood.is up. I’m getting tired though mentally and physically but I don’t want to go all the way back down. Hopefully I’ll be able to find a happy medium very soon. Despite the noise at work and the general anxiety I seem to feel regardless, my current manic state has allowed me to be more friendly, but thr restlessness has me on edge (jumpy) and always ready to leave (can’t sit still for too long because I’m always thinking of things I could be doing). Then again I’m always ready to leave when I’m in a depressive state too. Now that the blog is up I’d rather be spending all my time and energy on it and my jewelry whenever possible. When my mood changes everyone is going to notice and be suspicious then I’m going to have to explain the situation. (Something I’m not looking forward too). I just hope my motivation for this blog isn’t lost when my mood changes.
But until then I’m going to enjoy this happy feeling!
I told him how I felt yesterday on the ride home [from Wal-Mart] and it sent him over the edge. He was more frustrated than I had ever seen him. I could see the pain & hurt in red tear filled eyes. It hurt me to know that I had done that to him, but he asked what was on my mind [because I had been distant all week] so I told him. I wanted to tell him right then and there that we should break up but that probably wasn’t the best idea thinking about the future. I’m just tired of hurting and disappointing him, though not only him but especially him since all he does is love, care and support me. Knowing what I know now I just want to keep things bottled up but I know knowing what he does now he won’t let me.
As you can see this is the day we talked about the things I mentioned in the first journal entry. As you can also see things didn’t go so well. I knew the conversation would be hard for him, but I didn’t expect him to shut down like he did for a while. However, I had to let give him his space so he could process the information. Once he did, we talked and things slowly got better between us (more back to normal than better).
Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, open my eyes or breathe. The very thought of doing any of it makes me exhausted. I want to work but never do I have the energy or desire to go to work. The depression is getting the best of me and taking the very few good days I have left. If I try to explain this it would just sound as if I’m being lazy and don’t want to do anything. Therefore I just keep quiet. When I think about my health issues and physical limitations it just makes things worse. On top of that, mentally I feel as though I’m going backwards like things I should know or remember I can’t (like how to count). All my education…gone. It’s as if I’m turning into a kid again. Sometimes I want to be because for some reason it’s when I feel safest.
Here you can see I was still in a depressive mood. I was at work again when I wrote this (goes to show how laid back my place of work is). Everybody has those days when they just don’t want to get put of bed. But anybody who experiences depression knows there’s more to it than that. I have other health issues…all that came after the bipolar. And thinking about how limited my life choices are because of them puts me deeper into a depression. There are some days where I don’t feel like I have a college degree. Some days I feel like I barely made it out of kindergarten. Don’t know to this day why I get like that…why I have those memory and simple knowledge losses. What I find interesting about this post is that I said I feel safest when I act like a kid. My childhood wasn’t the worst but it wasn’t the best. It’s confusing because I grew up early and honestly don’t remember what it felt like to be a kid. My grandmother made me feel safe growing up even being miles away, but since she’s no longer here… I don’t know why I would feel safer as a kid.
The life I live is not one to celebrate or glorify. The life I live is painful & filled with anger & sadness. This is a poor quality of life and yet I’m trying to make the best of it for those around me. Can’t enjoy the simplest of things that are supposed to bring me pleasure without pain creeping in and making an appearance, ruining the entire experience for me forever…in that moment and every time after. The thoughts that flood my mind…by this time I think anyone should already know what I mean. Each time, they get louder and stronger and harder to resist. It’s hard to look at you and look you in the eyes, fell what I feel and still try to smile so I don’t make you upset. You’ve done so much for me & for you to know this, what I’m feeling…would be a slap in the face.
I wrote this while at work. It was a month before my birthday, I had just started my new job and was just over everything. The entry was essentially me talking to my boyfriend…telling him that despite him working hard to get me a new job I didn’t want it. I didn’t think I could handle it. Some days I still don’t…despite it being one of the easiest jobs in the world. I was definitely in a depressive mood during this time. Needless to say, my boyfriend and I talked about it (you’ll see that in another entry) and though things got heavy for a minute, the air was clear, he wasn’t in the dark and we were able to work on some things for me…together!